Top 7 Awesome Things About Pokémon Go
Edited by Zach Dickie and Matthew “Retrograder” VanDeZande
So you’ve played Pokémon Go by now, right? Of course you have. Everyone’s played Pokémon Go by now.
On the off chance you’ve missed out on the app that was, at one point, a more popular Google search than porn, Pokémon Go was released recently and has taken the world by storm. The latest release from Niantic, Inc. allows you to catch augmented reality Pokémon in the real world. It’s kind of awesome in at least seven different ways. Seven seems like a reasonable number to run with so here it is, my top seven awesome things about Pokémon Go.
- I am now, quite literally, a Pokémon Master. This is a dream I’ve only held onto since, what, like 1998? I was in the third grade when Pokémon came out and for years it was the absolute height of all things cool. There was merch everywhere. Like, if you didn’t live through the Pokémon years, you probably can’t even imagine just how everywhere it was. And it was 1998, right? The world was a different place back then. I mean, those black choker necklaces were the height of fashion, tie dye was everyone’s favourite colour, and everyone was singing along to Smash Mouth. Can you even imagine what that must have been like? What a time to be alive.
- Everyone else is, quite literally, a Pokémon Master. It’s fantastic. I saw a dad teaching his tiny child how to catch Pokémon the other day. The kid could barely walk in a straight line but he was catching Pidgeys left and right. I’ve seen more teenagers on skateboards in the last month than I have since Tony Hawk was relevant, and Tony Hawk is forty eight now. I left my house the other day for something not work – or food – related. I mean, I sat in my car the whole time but it still counts, right?
- It’s a great conversation starter. If you’re talking to someone who plays as well (so basically anyone) you can congratulate them on the 1185 Combat Point Pinsir they caught yesterday. I mean, it’s more likely that you’re just going to call them some horrible name because of the 1185CP Pinsir they caught yesterday (because you don’t have one yet), but it’s definitely going to be one or the other. You can tell your Mum you’re out catching Pikachus and no, Mum, I still can’t save in the middle of a battle, that’s not a thing I’m ever going to be able to do. No, I don’t know why. Just accept it, Mum.
- Explaining how Pokémon Go works to Real Adults™. After the news broke about that one girl who found the corpse while she was playing, I had to explain to my resident Real Adult™ that no, the people who make the game didn’t put a dead body in the game itself, it was in the real world. Why was there a dead body?! I don’t know, I explained. I’m not a serial killer, but if I was, I probably wouldn’t have been expecting teenagers to start wandering around previously abandoned areas that were previously great for body-dumps. The Real Adult™ was a little mortified, but then I showed them the Pidgey sitting on their hands and it was all good. So, win?
- I have learnt so much about my neighbourhood, you guys. Pokéstops – item pickup locations – tend to be located on somewhat important landmarks, like churches, historical sites, or other major town locations. My favourite Pokéstops around town are the ones named “Anchor,” which is at a giant anchor on the side of the road, and “Dove,” which is just a graffitied wall. The best place in town for catching Pokémon is a fountain, because it has two overlapping Pokéstops. The fountain is also a memorial, so all the kids are reading the plaques and learning about their local history. Brilliant!
- I’ve gained a whole new appreciation for battery science and would now like to donate to the next ‘help scientists invent more powerful batteries so we can continue developing consumer electronics at such a rapid pace’ fund.
- I really freakin’ love the Pokémon Renaissance of 2016.